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*Pats myself on the back

Finally came to terms with being single, again. For the longest time ever, I've always needed someone around to feel complete. Doesn't matter how long the person stays, it could be 3-months, 6-months or 9-months just as long as the space is filled up.

Well the previous time, deleting dating apps and saying no to dates and focusing on jiu-jitsu and my body ended short when I met two men, yes two who swept me off my feet in Hong Kong. I regret nothing for these two very special men showed me love and helped me to heal. Albeit in very different ways. N was the victim of my grief. The victim of my anger. Abused him as if he was the punching bag of my cruel words. A was also a victim of my grief. The victim of my sadness and dependency. Relying on him for decisions and directions. Nonetheless, I am forever grateful for their love, patience and time.

Then came J, new year new man. Everyone around me liked him and I, even more so. But like every other relationship where every struggle was swept under the rug, where weather was way more interesting then the relationship issues will eventually lead to its demise.

Phew, anyway, point is no more chasing after beards. I'm now single, sans dating app and contented. No longer mulling over J and thinking of a million and one ways to knock on his door. No more swiping hundreds of faces on Tinder to fill up that space. Came a long away and I am still figuring out how to stop being a chameleon in relationships. Always trying to change and fit into men's lives, suppressing who I am and giving them all of me. Learning, learning and learning.

- 25 and learning.


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